Last winter I attended a Sikh Roundtable Discussion in California. I was the only woman there, surrounded by quite famous and terribly well educated Sikh men - most of them over 60.

And gosh, I wish I had a video of what happened when I questioned the longevity of the idea of "arranged marriages" within Sikhi.

Whoa back! Those men went off like rockets; defending arranged marriages, of all things, loudly and all at once! What the???

"Your divorce rate is 50% and ours is only 2%!"

"No fair!" I countered "Allow Sikh women to gracefully divorce and then we can see how many Sikh women go for it!"

Oooops, this was NOT great diplomacy on my part!

Yet, out of the explosion of sound that followed, slowly a few wise paternal voices reached out to me, across the yelling. These men were speaking about the process of helping their daughters find the right mate, about there being something precious here - something I know nothing about having been raised in a totally different culture!

I listened, I really did, and I sensed that there was a story of LOVE getting transmitted to me and I decided to pull back and not decide so quickly.

However, this isn't easy. My whole European culture took a big stand against arranged marriages once upon a time, long long ago, when the Great Knight Tristan refused to let the Catholics put the fear of eternal damnation into him, he chose to LOVE Isolte in the face of hell's fire and being burnt at the stake! Way back then, many moons ago now, Westerners fought for "romantic love" and against "arranged marriages" and we lived through the Christian Inquisition holding onto our right to LOVE freely.

So frankly, I can never forget that arranged marriages are the very mechanisms of all class and caste systems and they are a way to promote racism and cultural in-breeding. Also they are a way to control young women.

But truly, I tried to back off and reconsider, to really listen to what these wise Sikh Papas were trying to tell me.

Yet when I, a Westerner, heard one of these men speak about considering the "status" of a good suitor for his daughter, I was the one who went off like a rocket!

"There is no reason to arrange a marriage for your daughter other than to 'marry UP'!" I asserted. "That is the way CASTE works."

And I am right too. Caste and class systems need arranged marriages.

And just try to convince a Westerner like myself that Sikh women REALLY need any help from Papa, and other family members, in following their hearts and finding their Beloveds! Absurd notion, totally ridiculous! Get out of the GOD's WAY and let Divine Nature lead to LOVE.

"It is inevitable that in a generation or two, Sikh women will choose mates for themselves." I added for 'good' measure, "They will not wish to be protected or controlled anymore."

Again, a diplomat I'm not!

But I was wrong. In the end, I completely changed my mind. Mind you, I still have all the same opinions. And trust me, I am grateful my parent's didn't have much say in my love life this life!

Yet what I was shown was a possibility for having a sense of family and community and support that is truly HELPFUL to single people. This revelation happened in a wonderful way too. One of the Sikh Papas, a radiant sweetheart of a retired Judge from the Punjab, now living in the USA, made me smile and laugh a lot during the days of that conference. In a private conversation one afternoon, this Sikh elder took a Fatherly tone with me and I replied, "Now Papaji, you know I respect what you are saying but....."

And he said, "You called me Papaji!"

And he adopted me. I am serious. I now have a Sikh Papaji who brags and laughs and he glows when he presents me to all his friends.

And I have GOT to admit that if I weren't already extremely happily married to my husband Ken, Papaji would probably be the first person I would trust in setting me up with an interesting date or two!

Kamalla Rose Kaur is a USA born writer of Irish descent who embraced Sikhism in 1972, at age 18. She tried everything for over twenty years, including frantic practice of Yoga, until she learned "why Sikhs are so adament about having the Sri Guru Granth Sahib as their only Guru."

Kamalla Rose Kaur's column appears every Saturday.